Never wanted to say goodbye

Well I guess I have to say goodbye. There is no way to pretend that you will be on the other end of the phone when I call. I keep thinking that maybe just maybe if I prayed hard enough there would be a way that I could talk to you one last time. I dont need to see you I just want to hear you. I keep playing the voice mails that you left me but that does not seem to be enough. I know they say time heals all wounds but fuck that shit I dont want time I want you.

I would love to write more but my phone is wet from my endless bottles of tears. Plus my phone is running out of battery from looking at the last video I took of you.
I know your in a better place I just thought that place would be on earth with me. I guess that’s what I get for thinking.
When I think about it I am glad your gone. Your not in pain anymore. I guess I am glad I cant hear your voice because I wont hear the pain in your voice. I guess I am hella jealous of everyone that has your time now. I know your having hella fun in heaven.

I guess I will be alright after all, even tho your not physically here with me. Your memories will always be here, and even tho that’s all I have I am glad that at one point I had you in my life. Having you in my life has made me a better person.

You will always be in my heart because I know I will always be in yours

Heather J

This Song Ends

Turning up the music to drown the pain
What is that sound? You say…
My heart breaking with every lyric and note
I understand every emotion this artist wrote
The volume is loud as I try to hold my head proud
I display no sign of weakness nor tears
There is only one answer here
In me, you sought no truth
You stopped looking for the best parts of me and gave none of yours
Past the thought of you having another peek
I have felt the hesitation of your touch
Did you despise me this much?
I willingly handed you the best parts of me
Trust, love and loyalty
All cast away like yesterday’s news
Oh you really liked that song?
The notes and lyrics are drowning into one
Fourteen years was not that long
The music fades and only memories remain
Our song has faded to an end

5/9/19 J.A.N.

FIRE

I know I have not written in a while, let me explain.

I will start out by saying I am ok, I survived. Because that’s just what I do… It’s just that unfortunately it took me a little longer to snap back.

In February my house caught on fire. I lost a little over 1/2 of it, but all of those things are replaceable. When I sit back and think about it, all those things truly meant nothing. I say that because I am safe and alive, I made it out ALIVE.. It could have been a lot worse. I could have gotten burned or lost my life, but I didn’t and for that I am so grateful. I will admit I was so mad and pissed that my house caught on fire. I really wanted to blame someone anyone. When I think about it who should I blame. It was electrical, it was nothing that was deliberately done. Yet I was so pissed and hurt.

Then I started to think… Why me?….

Why not me? I am not untouchable, I am not a person that is above the fire law. (If there is a fire law) Things can happen to me just like anyone else. This is the part where I state the fact that I did not come to that conclusion alone. I had a lot of people in my life that snapped me out of the why me why me syndrome.

I will admit it was not easy, nor did I make it easy for them.

When I think back to how I was acting, yes … Hell yes I was wrong…

However at that moment I was super emotional and I did not care. All I wanted was my house back fuck everyone else and what they were trying to say.

I will explain it this way I was at the point where I did not give a fuck about nothing other than my dog. If you could not wave that magic wand ( if there was one) and bring my house back then there was nothing you can say to me so don’t waste your oxygen stop talking good day sir .. good bye.

I am just being honest and at that point I just did not give a damm…

I was not myself, I don’t know who I was but I was not my self.

With that being said I am lucky to be surrounded by wonderful people. Having them in my life is what keeps me grounded. So I strongly suggest you keep good people in your life. People that can keep you grounded. Because you never know when a life changing event will pop up out of no where. An event that will mess you up so bad that you won’t know your ass from a hole in the ground … yes I said it

Well I guess I have talked enough for now…

Heather J

CHANGE

I can not change my shoe size.

I can not change the fact that I have broad shoulders.

I cannot change the fact that I cannot change my past.

I guess I will just have to work on my future because that is something that I can change.

I can change my attitude.

I can change my way of thinking.

I can change my outlook on life.

I can change every frown into a smile.

I can wake up every morning with the determination to make my day better than the day before.

In fact

I will make every day the best day ever.

I love how I was able to change my cannot too I can and then to I will.

Memories in a Glass

Sometimes I wonder if we are just memories in a glass, in everyone’s glass at some point or another.

There are glasses that are ½ full while other are ½ empty.

You can take the memories in your glass and swish it around and pull out only things that make you happy.

It could be that your glass has been left out and they are a little dry, so you can only remember little bits and pieces when you try to remember them.

Then there are memories that are just plain awful, and you don’t ever want to remember them again.

In that case that you would swish your cup around a little bit harder, so those horrible memories can splash out of the glass and onto the ground and seep into the concrete, so they can never to be remembered again.

Then you have those happy memories that you never want to forget.

So, you keep them right on top, so they can always be there ready to be remembered.

Yet some how along the way …..

There will be times in your life when you swish your memory glass the wrong way.

Which makes all the bad memories that you thought you had forgotten rush back in.

This is when you swish your glass again this time with a little more force, so the bad memories go back to the bottom of the glass in hope that they will never surface again.

Summers Falls

 

Wake Up

Wake up every day and look in the mirror and say. (I got this day.. I own it … Today’s mine.).

Own it !!!!

It’s yours after all it does not belong to no one else but you…

So claim it.

Next thing….

Put on your game face and tell all those Negative thoughts that they have to go.. Better yet tell them to get the fuck out of your life. You have tried to do things their way and the shit did not work…

So your going to do things the Positive way, and grow into the Awesome person you were put on this earth to be.

Now go brush your teeth or take them out of the jar.

What every you need to do ..

And get out there and do yo thang.

I BELIEVE IN YOU…

ITS TIME YOU DO TO….

Heather J

Just Don’t

I know that there will be times that it will be hard to get up and get moving. However I know you have it in you. I know because my message has reached you, so your ready.

There are a few things that you need to know in order to make it through.

The main one is that you are here today.

You are in this moment and you are alive.

You are here for a reason, we all are.

You have hopes and dreams that you deserve to have.

Don’t let anyone take them from you.

There will be walls that you might feel are there to stop you.

Never let them, grab a hammer and knock them down.

If the walls are big well knock even harder.

The harder you hit them the stronger you will become. The closer you will get to your goal.

I know it sounds simple but I also know it is not.

It will be a struggle a struggle you will go through everyday.

It will be a struggle that is well worth it in the end.

Just Don’t give up and Don’t give in.

I know that it is so easy to give up but don’t.

When you do you end up with nothing.

When you fight you have so much to gain.

Heather J

EMPOWERED

I wonder sometimes if I’m damaged by my past. People always say things like get over it, like it’s an easy thing to do. I really want to say (don’t you think if I could get over it I would). However, I don’t say anything because I know that they will never understand. I don’t like feeling this way yet I cannot control it, if I could I would in a heartbeat. I can sit around and fake it, pretend that I am happy. I have been doing that for far too long. It’s not right for you to pretend like I don’t have feeling because I do. I have so many feeling that I need to deal with. Yet I am worried about dealing with them because I don’t want to be judged by you or anyone else. Yet I can no longer worry about you and your judgmental ways. I will no longer live a lie I have to be true to myself not to you. Because at the end of the day I am the one that will have to look at myself in the mirror. I am the one that will have to live with my regrets.  I am the one that lies awake at night and wonder why. Meanwhile you’re able to sleep all night long. While I am wide awake wonder what did I do wrong. I know now that all of this is my fault, because I let what you think control me. I cannot and will not allow this to happen any longer.

FROM THIS POINT ON I WILL BE THE ONLY ONE THAT WILL HAVE CONTROL OVER ME.

I DON’T GIVE A DAMM WHAT YOU THINK BECAUSE IN MY WORLD I AM THE ONLY ONE THAT MATTERS NOT YOU. I AM NOT DAMAGED I AM EMPOWERED TO BE THE PERSON THAT I SHOULD HAVE BEEN ALL ALONG.

So, while I able to sleep at night, you will be the one lying awake, wondering how I can be so strong and how you can become as strong as me.

HEATHER J

THE EMPOWERED ONE

I Should Have

At one point I was mad at you for the way you treated me.

Now that I think about it, the only person I can truly be mad at is my self.

I should have never settled.

I should have never let you in to my life.

I should have never let my guard down.

I should have never ignore the writing on the wall.

I should have never believed your lies.

I should have never thought that you were different.

I should have known you were blowing smoke up my ass.

Now when I think about it, maybe that’s why I could not see the shady person you turned out to be.

I would have never lost as much as, I did if I had chosen someone new.

I should have followed my 1st instinct.

I should have ran the other way and stayed away from you.

Heather J

Best Friend

You know you have a best friend when you don’t talk every day but when you talk its like time has never passed.

You can tell each other the truth no matter what.

You respect what the other person has to say.

Most of all you can tell them anything and you know it will stay between the two of you.

You know if you need help you can call them and they will be here no questions asked.

A best friend is a person that will work your nerves and piss you off but you still love them any way.

If they don’t like the guy you’re dating they will let you know and let him know to his face.

There is nothing like having a best friend, a person you can talk to about anything and everything.

A true friend can never be replaced because they will always  be there.

Heather J