Realization

I woke up this morning with the realization that the decision in the end is yours alone. I don’t necessarily have to agree with it and I don’t agree with it. However at the same time I don’t know the pain that you’re going through I don’t know how it feels to go through chemo. I have to realize that either way I have to let you go.

You’re in the fourth stage of cancer there is nothing that can be done more chemo would be painful for you. I know this now and I don’t want you in pain. When I think about it I was being selfish wanting you to be in pain for me to have you just a little bit longer. I know now that was wrong as well. I know that if I truly love you I have to let you decide what’s best for you.

I do not have a choice in this. I have to let go I don’t want to but it is what it is and in your last and final days I do not want you in pain. I want you as happy as you can be. There’s nothing that I can do. I hate not having control of this. In the end I know either way I’m gonna have to let you go.

So now the realization is again I have to let you go but at the same time I’m going to suck up as much of your time as I can. Every day I’m gonna let you know how much I love you and how much you mean to me. So that I won’t have any regrets of feeling like I never told you I want you to know this.

Can’t say I’m OK with this but you did not raise a punk you taught us how to deal therefore I’m gonna deal with this. I’m going to deal with this with a smile on my face. It may be just a little bit of jealousy because you’re going to be with our family members that have passed before you.

They are going to be there with open arms better yet open wings to hug you and to tell you how much they missed you and to tell you what an awesome place Heaven is.

So when you get there tell them I sent them love and I’m just gonna stay here and make all you guys proud. I’m gonna stay here and live my dreams and give you all something to talk about in heaven.

Summers Falls